


A Promise

by yutae127



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 07:11:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16132247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutae127/pseuds/yutae127
Summary: In a damn cold night, Yuta didn’t think he’d be craving the taste of his lips and the warmth of his skin.





	A Promise

\-   
\- 

Even the fourth glass wasn’t strong enough to conceal the bitterness drifting under his skin. The La Marca Prosecco never tasted this bland that his guts doesn’t tremble at that taste. Is this what it’s like to feel empty? After all that he’d been through, he should’ve gotten used to the feeling of being alone, but why should it bother him now? Yuta looks up to the burnt-out light bulb that barely lights up his room as it flickers with a soft sound. It was plain and easy to snuck one from a hardware shop for a replacement, but it was because the darkness didn’t bother him until now. Why should it bother him? Yuta ask himself over and over again. If the light left him, is it okay to want it back?

 

As a kid, Yuta would resort to sleeping where he can live an unrealistic but peaceful dream and it's calm when he wakes up. But now, even the most precious Yuta holds in reality would slip right through in hands even in a dream. A nice thought had crossed his mind, perhaps, he had abandoned all of them. He had anticipated the moment he could escape everything and everyone, but it slowly turned into an anguish. Maybe it's that longing that starts getting to him and it sucks. It sucks thinking that a day will come where they can have something that is good and there's a chance of lasting. It sucks to wait. It sucks missing someone. 

 

A bitter smile flashes painfully on his dried lips. Because then, finally, he admitted to himself what it is that kills him everyday. It wasn't the void that squeezes his heart anymore, or the silence that's tearing his skin. All along, Yuta knows that it's the guilt of losing him, and it's driving him insane. He couldn't even humor the thought of acknowledging it when it gets painful through the days. 

 

His brain fries up to thinking that what triggers all these is his own behavior, his indifference and neglect. He should've listened when Taeyong said "Pay attention to me.", and he should've said something when Taeyong walks out of the door with the words, "I don't want to leave you, Yuta. You pushed me away." He remembers how his eyes avoided Yuta's own, and when he thought Taeyong would cry at that moment and run back to him like he always does, he didn't.

 

It's not that they were happy together. Being with him doesn't feel so bad either, and it was nice to find calmness to have someone like Taeyong by his side. He was kind, talks with his sweet voice, he was forgiving and has a pretty face, and most of all, he isn't happy being with Yuta. Yuta who failed him a dozen times, like when pulled the trigger to a minor that messed with him and Taeyong bailed him out of the jail, or when he sleeps around with different women whenever he gets pissed of Taeyong scolding him. Before it was okay, because Taeyong would forgive him a hundred more. But Yuta finds himself making a thousand mistakes that even someone so perfect like Taeyong wouldn't imagine. Suppose it was better that they separate ways. Because he knew Taeyong would be happier not to assosciate with a criminal like him.

 

But it's still unfair that Taeyong takes with him all the hope he'd given Yuta. 

 

Yuta loaded the Black Berreta and tucked it inside his jacket. The sound of it hitting the metal of his belt makes him excited. Why does he have to endure when he can have it his way?

 

 

What completely sucks about the city streets is that it's never empty even at night. The vibrant billboard and post lights shines on Yuta's eyes as if to annoy him. The chatter between the buyers and the sellers on the sidewalk couldn't get any louder. Everyone in the crowd moves as if they're being dragged or flying all around. The world can't be real anymore, or maybe it's just the effects of the drug he took. Yuta walks fast, avoiding to meet any faces he had no interest in. Yuta amuses himself how he's still familiar with the place, despite the nauseating air that fucks on his breathing. His eyes feels heavy, hands shaking with the cold night, but he had to make it there. He needs to make it there.

 

The folks on the alley he entered didn't seemed to friendly. And before they could grab a hold of Yuta's collar, he runs passed them in hopes to get away. But luck doesn't seemed to be on his side when some nother folks on the end of the alley appeared before him, stopping him on his steps. Aside from his blurry vision, it was dark and Yuta could only make out from the shadows that the guy was holding a Kukri machete. If he was a little faster, he would've bumped on him and the cold steel would probably be on his neck by now. Then the folks from earlier followed suit, trapping him. But Yuta isn't afraid. If anything, it excited him. Pulling out his Black Baretta from his jocket pocket, Yuta points it first to the man holding a machette who's quick on stepping back. "Drop the knife." Yuta instructs, to which the guy quickly implied and kicked it to Yuta's direction. It's gotten boring how the looks on the guys faces changed into terrified expression when Yuta points at them one by one. The wolves quickly turned into little sheeps, and Yuta had them all in his fingers. But he figures it's going to take time to put a bullet on their heads one by one, and the neighbors who would hear the gunshot might cause a ruckus. But Yuta doesn't have any time left for that, so he tells them to let him pass without anyone getting hurt. 

 

When he's back on the streeets, the pedestrian lane was packed with people and he joins them to cross to the other side. Yuta is nearing his destination, and his ears throb from the anticipation just by seeing the all to familiar area within his eye range. The wall clock from the pet shop says it's 11:45 pm. Next to the coffee shop is the restaurant where he wan'ts to be. The door sign says it's closed, but the lights inside the place is still on. Yuta knows Taeyong is still in there ending his shift by helping the owner arrange the tables and the utensils for the following day. Taeyong works as a chef but he was unselfish enough not to make the part-timer waiters do the job because he knows they have to get enough sleep for school the next day, and he didn't want the old owner to work alone. Either Taeyong is way too generous, or it's just that he had so much pity for anyone. That he pitied even psychopath like Yuta.

 

Watching from the other side of the road, Yuta sees Taeyong comes out of the door and bowed to the restaurant owner. He's still on his chef uniform, a neatly folded pull over hands on his left arm while his free hand holds his phone as he steps, too occupied to notice Yuta walking towards his direction. Instead of a greeting, Yuta stills him by cocking the gun at the back of his head. By the way Taeyong's shoulder heaves with his breathing, Yuta could tell that he was surprised. But he wasn't nervous, Yuta knows, considering how many times Yuta had done this to him. After some heavy breaths, Taeyong finally clears his throught and says, "Let's not do this here."

 

Yuta doesn't need to be told twice, and he pulled his gun back, tucking it on the back of his pants. Yuta follows him quietly, having too much trust on Taeyong that he wouldn't run away or cry for help. Taeyong continues walking ahead without even looking back, that had Yuta feeling disregarded, when right now what he craves the most is Taeyong's attention. They take the sidewalk, knowing Taeyong, he would avoid the alleys at all cost to prevent dangerous encounters like Yuta had faced earlier before coming here. But taking the streets could only mean it's going to take longer for them to get to Taeyong's apartment if that's where they're heading, when Yuta is already itching for Taeyong's touch on his skin that it's so fucking frustrating. But it wasn't the familiar way, and Yuta finds himself in an unfamiliar place as they continue to walk. Taeyong probably noticed his agitation when he heard the sound of Yuta about to pull out his gun again, so he said, "Don't worry. I'm not taking you there." 

 

Yuta had no idea what he meant by 'there' but he guesses it wouldn't be safe for anyone to take notice of them, or Yuta's gun in general, so he relaxes. Or maybe because Taeyong told him not to worry. They climp up a three story stares and Yuta's eyes wanders around at the unfamiliar apartment they entered. His body starts to heats up, probably the influence of the drugs starting to die down as his body adjust to the normalcy of the temperature. And then it begins to hit him, that Taeyong is there right before his eyes, unlocking the door of the apartment Yuta didn't know about, as if it was his own. Yuta was going to ask when did he move, but the expression on Taeyong's face looks sullen, and he didn't have to say it for Yuta to understand that Taeyong just wants him to leave. Still, Yuta followed him inside and locks the door behind. He stood by the door, watching Taeyong take off his white coat. He disappears to the kitchen, and Yuta is left there standing, taking in the whole place. On the living room, there were a lot of toy car collectibles Yuta knows Taeyong have no interest in. It kicks when his eyes wanders to the shoe racks, and he finds the shoes neatly arrange. Most of them he knows Taeyong does not own. 

 

"So you're living with someone now." Yuta says when Taeyong reappears from the kitchen, more of a sentence than a question.

 

Taeyong only hums in response, still not looking at Yuta. He walks to the end table where a peach scented candle is lit and used his shaky fingers to put out the fire, it's aroma is just as sickening as being in the same room with Taeyong knowing that he isn't his. He still hasn't say a single word, and Yuta could only wish that Taeyong will look at him even for a second. Even if he doesn't want to.

 

Yuta regrets it when Taeyong raised his head, and he found himself cornered and reflected on Taeyong's eyes. It was the void that seeped into his blood and paralyzed his brain, her pupils became dilated and there was a tremor in her hands that he couldn't bear to move while trying to suppress the clamor that's inside him. Taeyong's presence alone was too much to bear, and Yuta couldn't hold up to his stare any longer that his own gaze has fallen to the ground. The silence was discomforting that he heard the drops of tears that falls on the floor. It wasn't his. It was Taeyong's.

 

When Yuta looks up again, Tears burst forth like waterfalls on spilling down Taeyong's face. What was it for? Yuta doesn't know. But it cuts ike a knife. Yuta could physically feele the wounds on his heart open again. Taeyong raised the back of his hands to his eyes to subdue his cries, shoulders trembling. In an instinct, Yuta darts to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close. Taeyong sunk to the warmth of his side, but it only made him sob harder. With this, Yuta raised a hand to the back of Taeyong's head, gently patting him. "It's okay, stop crying." Yuta whispers the comforting words but with a broken voice. "I won't bother you anymore. I'm sorry...fore everything." 

 

This doesn't seem to calm Taeyong, and his arms around Yuta's waist tightens, burrying his face Yuta's chest. His embrace was too warm that Yuta didn't want to let go, but he knows he should. 

 

"I may not be smart," Yuta starts again, mounting up all the courage to say the words he'd always held at the back of his tongue. "But I understand that you are a person who works hard for your ambitions. Listen, I--- I know that I'm holding you back. I don't want to ruin your life more than I already did in the past years... that you were with me. I'm not worth it." Yuta inhales loud at the last sentence that it yanks his heart out of his chest. It's not like they both didn't know that already, but to actually admit it was a different case. Taeyong responded to this by sobbing even more, his fingers on Yuta's shirt even tightening. "I don't have to be by your side when you achieve those dreams. I don't have to be with you anywhere. We both know, too, that we don't have to be together." 

 

The last sentence rattles Yuta too, and it was his turn to cry. He couldn't think straight anymore that suddenly, he didn't know where this was going. It was frightening what could be coming out of his mouth next, but with little less no self control, Yuta speaks again. "Do you know how scary it is to love someone you know wasn't meant for you? I've felt it. I've been miserable since the first time I saw you. The first day when I saw you at the store and pointed a gun at your head, declaring a holdup without knowing that I'll be the one who will suffer the most when I nudged the back of your head with the barrel and covered your mouth to put you to sleep and carry you to the alley after taking all your money. Because in the end, you're the one who took all of me. Sometimes, I wish I just killed you. I tried it a thousand fucking times only to find out that I couldn't. I wish I didn't chase you around to guarantee that you wouldn't report to the police. I wish I didn't see your face. I wish I didn't have to be saved by you when those two kids were mocking me and calling me a criminal in front of many people in the plaza. I've stolen so many wallets. I've robbed so many banks. I've killed so many people. Hell, I've even killed a friend of yours. Now Taeyong, don't you dare tell me that it's still out of pity that you still stayed with me... because I will never believe that." 

 

Yuta begs quietly, waiting for an answer. But this time, Taeyong went quiet and he stopped crying and he looks up to Yuta with mug eyes. He's still pretty even when he cries, Yuta thinks. He didn't know how and why, but the next thing he knows if Taeyong holding the back of his head and pulling him in for a kiss. It's funny how even in this fucked up situation, Taeyong still takes his breath away. And he leans in, kissing Taeyong back. But this time, Yuta can taste the failure in his lips. The taste of goodbye that always lingers in his tongue but he never says. Still, he'll never get enough. Yuta kissed him with a swift gradation of intensity, tongue insistent into tasting more of Taeyong and making him groan. Yuta kisses him deeper, strong hands gripping on Taeyong's hips as he pressed their bodies closer. 

 

Even so,the first one to break the kiss is Yuta, and seeing Taeyong's hesistant face, he forced a smile to tell him to go on and say something.

 

Taeyong had to pull away. Looking anywhere in the room except on Yuta's face. 

 

"I'm sorry." Yuta muttered quietly and his voice starts to break. Yuta is sorry that he loves him.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The moon is high above and appears fully illuminated from his perspective. A silver of glowing white in an otherwisesable sky that failed to even bring the surrounding into gray. It was ugly and Yuta hates it. Yuta compares himself with the moon, for it was devoid of stars. As if it was painful to stay near its side.

 

With his back pressed against cold of the solid roof, Yuta raised his hand up as if to reach up to the moon. Blocking the dim light that's shining down on his face and trying to seize it with his hands, because he hates it. He hates it just to think about how many times he had to face the moon until Taeyong fulfills his promise that he told Yuta before they part that, "When I found what I'm looking for, I'll come back to you." 

And Yuta smiles, believing that.

**Author's Note:**

> i feel like i should explain this ugly fic. it was jaehyun. taeyong left yuta for jaehyun becos yuta is problematic who steals and hit people for the living. but taeyong loves him too ok he's going to comeback once he finds a better job oKAAY YUTAE IS LIFE


End file.
